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Friday, August 31, 2007


Warning: To prevent virus from spreading, please don rubber gloves while reading this.

No blog ... (cough, cough) too sick and feeling puny (cough, cough).

Find out why I always seem to start off the cold season early in Wednesday's Alive and Kickin' column.


Have a lovely holiday and think about me laboring to shake this (cough, cough) thing!

Thursday, August 30, 2007


Here's one for you.

Another Colorado elementary school has banned students from playing tag on the playground.

Seems schoolchildren there have complained they were harassed or chased against their will. Officials believe the game causes a lot of conflict.

Well la-te-da ... life's one tough game.

I read about a woman who e-mailed her elementary school boyfriend after 40 years just because she was "thinking about him." He fell for the desperate housewife's ploy until his wife intercepted their rather intimate e-mails and forwarded them to the ex's husband who then tracked down her Internet lover and beat the you-know-what out of him.

The first man's wife filed for divorce under some mental cruelty charge and was awarded almost everything the couple worked for their entire lives. The husband was out on his @.

And the woman who started it all? Well, she was last seen chasing down her high school boyfriend.

Tag, you're it!

For more on the story click here.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


In case you missed it, there's big money in fossilized walrus penis bones.

This one was auctioned off over the weekend for more than $8,000 to a company that owns Ripley's Believe It or Not museums.

Now, this isn't just any old walrus penis bone to be hung above your mantle. This 4 1/2-foot baculum is from a species of walrus that went extinct some 12,000 years ago.

It was found preserved in permafrost in northern Siberia and is believed to be the largest known mammal penis fossil.

Just wondering ... with equipment like that, how did they go extinct?

See more on the story here.

AP photo by Kevork Djansezian

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007


They can't take it anymore.

A few New York moms created a new magazine called the Lazy Home Journal.
Just kidding.

Actually, the Tired Moms Magazine, for moms on the verge of exhaustion, will debut this fall with no-fuss, no-muss articles on life simplification.

Claire Etheridge, a former insurance company executive and mother of three, said she realized that traditional women's mags finally convinced her that she wasn't a Super Mom, but a tired mom.

She and three of her friends then got together and created the magazine to help other overworked moms say No! to life.

Now, if only someone would create a magazine for the rest of us overworked women called Cosmopoopedlitan.

For more on the story, click here.

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Monday, August 27, 2007


Here's every loner's nightmare come true.

A German man was fatally bitten by his pet black widow and then partially eaten by the insects and reptiles he had amassed in his apartment.

Police broke into Mark Voegel's apartment Sunday in Dortmund, Germany, after neighbors complained of the smell and were horrified when they found the 30-year-old man's body on the sofa covered in spider webs and infested with termites.

Large pieces of flesh were torn off the dead man by the lizards he kept in his bizarre insect and reptile zoo, and taken back to the webs of tarantulas and other bird-eating spiders.

Authorities said some of the spiders were so aggressive they were the equivalent of pit bulls in the animal world.

If you can stand it, click here for more on the story.

Makes having parakeets as pets a whole lot more attractive.

Black widow photo by: Peasap

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Friday, August 24, 2007


I get a lot of e-mails with good wishes, pretty pictures and jokes.

So today, being that it's Friday, here are a couple of real airline cabin announcements sent in by blogger Tom:

- "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

- After a particularly hard landing, the captain, saying goodbye to passengers as they got off the plane, was expecting smart comments. He heard nothing negative until the last passenger, a little old lady with a cane, asked him "Sir, did we land or were we shot down?"

And my favorite ...

- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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Thursday, August 23, 2007


The parents of a 13-year-old girl are facing charges they encouraged their daughter to fight another girl over "kid things," according to police.

A Charleston, W. Va., mother was charged with misdemeanor battery after she allegedly grabbed her daughter by the arm and used her daughter's body as a weapon to knock the other girl down.

The dad was charged with misdemeanor assault when he threatened to harm two boys, who were bystanders, if they tried to break up the fight.

Oh, the things your parents teach you in the flower of your youth.

This family has one scary gene pool.

For more on the story click here.

Enjoy the flowers before summer comes to an end.

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Uncle Sam is ruffling some feathers among poultry farmers.

Chicken coops may be the next skirmish in the war on terror if the Department of Homeland Security labels propane gas, used to heat the coops, as a "chemical of interest."

The farmers are crying fowl over the security proposal that would require anyone with 7,500 pounds or more of the gas to register with the agency.

The proposal comes after British police uncovered a terrorist plot in London that involved two Mercedes loaded with nails packed around canisters of propane set to detonate.

As Foghorn Leghorn would say, "What's the ... I say, what's the big deal, son?" Register, already!

Heck, if the government is that worried about gas, the department also might want to consider requiring the same for pizza-eating, beer-drinking keg partiers.

See more details on the story here.

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Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Think you've finally found that great pair of jeans?

One upscale Phoenix store is using a Butt Cam to show customers just what they may be missing without having to twist and turn to see their derrieres ... from behind.

Hub Clothing says the cameras connected to a video screen on a dressing room wall are allowing customers to see just how those expensive pants actually make their butts look.

Even if you've heard the camera puts on 5 pounds, the Butt Cam doesn't lie. And neither will employees or other customers in the store.

The Butt Cam also displays behind-the-scene views of the more confident shoppers on flat-screen TVs behind the cash registers for all to see.

OK, this sounded great until that last line.

For more on the story click here.

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Monday, August 20, 2007


To all my wine-loving friends: Because last week's blogs were so serious, it's joke time! If you're a man, substitute Bob for Sally; and wife for husband.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Thanks to blogger Tom for the joke and photo of Navajo woman.

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Friday, August 17, 2007


In an effort to get a handle on the growing stray-dog population in New Delhi, one city council member proposed to ship them to Korea where dog meat is widely consumed in soup called boshintang. The soup is believed to boost stamina and virility.

In the Korean dog markets, the canines are jammed in cages to sit in the hot sun, without water (sometimes for days), before they are chosen by a restaurateur and cruelly put to death.

This inhumane treatment of man's best friend is largely ignored by the rest of the world because most people are insulated from ever seeing such atrocities.

This is why the New Delhi councilman's idea of shipping the dogs to Korea doesn't surprise me. Look how they treat their women.

We can't change the world, but sometimes we can change a small part of it.

This undercover video of a Korean dog market is disturbing. View it with discretion.

To find out what you can do to help click here.

For New Delhi story details click here .

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Thursday, August 16, 2007


A Chinese couple wants to name their child after the commonly used Internet @ symbol.

Because there are so many common surnames in China, Li Yuming, the vice director of the State Language Commission, said yesterday people are driven to find more individual names for their children.

The police, who are the arbiters, will have the final say whether to reject @ as a name for the child because they issue identity cards.

The unidentified couple chose @, which translates into "love him" in Chinese, because "the whole world uses it to write e-mails."

Sounds like a good enough reason to me.

And, if they decide to have another child, they could call him .com
notice I couldn't put a period at the end of this sentence without changing the kid's name)

Click here for more on the story.

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Flying fowl vs. window is a good indication that a bird's eye view isn't what it's cracked up to be.

I thought I had taken proper precautions when I relocated the bird feeders out of the direct line of the kitchen window last year when my own Shroud of Tern manifested after the powder on the bird's feathers were thrust onto the pane upon impact.

After that incident, I was happy to not to find the birdie body below and convinced myself that he just knocked himself silly and later flew off.

This time, though, Tweetie (who surely turned into Daffy) wasn't as lucky.

Sitting on the kitchen counter and peering out the window, 3-year-old granddaughter Chloe alerted me of the bird's distress when she calmly asked, "Why did that bird try to come inside?"

I heard the thud, but didn't think to look on the ground ... until today.

That's when I found that feral feline, Sylvester, was now one fat cat.

It's estimated that nearly 1 billion (that's billion with a B) birds a year are killed from flying into windows.

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007


It may be just a booby prize, but the breast implant surgery offered by an Australian men's magazine in its "Win a Boob Job for Your Girlfriend" contest has the online publication caught in the middle of a "bra-haha."

Here's the hook.

Zoo Weekly is under investigation by the Australian government after it launched the competition yesterday for its male readers because the country's Lotteries and Art Unions Act forbids anyone from offering cosmetic surgery as a prize.

Magazine editor Paul Merrill advertised the breast surgery prize as the "gift that keeps on giving," but now he's backtracking by claiming the magazine is simply offering $10,000 to the winner, not an actual boob job.

I say give 'em the surgery, but take it one step further and also award penile implants for the "Richard Cranium" boyfriends.

For more on the story click here.

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Monday, August 13, 2007


It was big, big and bigger ... and then some.

In an effort to establish where I would be grocery shopping after moving into our new home, I joined Costco Wholesalers.

I joined before I had a chance to check out what the store really had to offer, which meant I didn't have any idea what I was getting into.

What I found was that this store was not the place to shop for two people without a large freezer. I bought a few things anyway including this garbage can-size box of mini-wheat cereal for my daily dose of fiber.

I should be regular for months.

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Friday, August 10, 2007


He's risen again ... this time in driveway sealant!

Jesus' image on the fetal sonogram a New Jersey woman sent to me recently may not have netted big bucks, but His likeness, found in a Forest, Va., family's garage, garnered more than $1,500 in an eBay auction Wednesday.

Deb Serio, a high school teacher, found the Jesus-looking smudge on the floor of her garage after moving a driveway sealant can. For more on the story click here.

For more on the New Jersey Jesus sonogram, see my June 12, 2007, "Pious Placenta" post in the archives.

It gives new meaning to being "Born Again."

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Thursday, August 09, 2007


OK, today I don't feel like being clever or searching for something unusual to blog about, so you're going to get an ...


Here are a few pictures of Mr. Stinky and how his growth has progressed over the summer with very little care and absolutely no fertilizer

All I did was plant him in a pot of soil and left him in the sun. He thrived in his new environment outside instead of in the refrigerator crisper where I found him struggling to survive since Christmas.

As you can see, he grew and grew until the blooms on the two sprouting stems opened with tiny, tiny pistils. Now the long alien-like stems are started to sag and dry ... sort of like the skin under my upper arms.

I'm wondering, though, if I let him stay there until next year, if he'll bloom again. Or better yet sprout baby onions. Anyone know?

If that happens I'll have to rename him Ms. Stinky.

Stay cool.

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Here's spiritual food for thought.

There's a faith-based diet program out there that has some people singing its praises while others are not so quick to convert.

It seems the Weigh Down Workshop, designed by nutritionist Gwen Shamblin, looks to lessons in the Bible to help over-eaters conquer their food-to-mouth addictions and slim down.

Some former fatties claim it's a miracle, and some say it's nothing more than a legalistic cult that starves and guilts faithful followers into thinking they will lose their salvation if they eat one bite more than God allows.

With obesity running rampant (OK not running, but walking slowly), who cares how someone loses weight. The Bible, as compared to other religious doctrines, might just have the skinny on helping those believers who can't stop stuffing their pie-holes.

I mean, look how fat Buddha is.

On second thought, realization = salvation:

("The Eye of God" photo was taken by NASA Hubble Space Telescope)

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007


When my grandmother got annoyed with us when we were little, she used to say, "Go play in the traffic."

She was kidding, of course.
Well ... we assumed she was kidding.

Turns out a Cleveland, Ohio, man sort of had the same idea when he turned a practical joke into a safety campaign.

Mike Wood found that the cut-out picture posters he made of his kids to be used as a joke on his neighbors also helped to slow down speeding cars when he placed the life-sized posters in his yard next to the curb.

The cut-outs were so realistic that drivers not only slowed down but got mad because they thought he was allowing his children to play too close to the road.

That's when Wood turned his idea into a money maker by creating a police officer cut-out holding a radar gun. Now he's getting tons of orders from law-enforcement agencies for the $60 cut-out.

Another missed opportunity, Gram.

BTW moms, kids really do play in traffic! See it here.

Click here for more details on the story.

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Monday, August 06, 2007


My man says I pipe dream.

Just because a pipe dream is a fantastic hope or plan that generally is regarded as nearly impossible to achieve doesn't mean I can't have them.

Figuratively, I pipe dream all day. I even pipe dream about doing nothing but pipe dreaming.

My latest pipe dream was for a pool boy (if you read my column last week, you'd understand why).

In any case, I came across this very relaxing YouTube pipe dream offered up by a nice lady named Grace Nerissa in a forum thread. Grace is so nice in her posts, she's everyone's pipe-dream friend there.

But, there's only one drawback to pipe dreaming. Sooner or later you have to come back to the real world and finish the sewer work.

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Friday, August 03, 2007


Just how light is "light" beer?

A new rule has been proposed that would require nutritional information be put on all alcoholic drink packaging, including alcoholic content, number of calories, carbohydrates, fat and protein for a standard serving size.

Currently, labels on liquor and wine with more than 14 percent alcohol must disclose at least the alcohol content, but it is not required on beer labels in most states.

Under the new proposal, if a brewer wants its beer to be labeled as light, it must show the caloric and alcohol content.

But don't fret.

It may be some time before companies are forced to comply with the proposed regulation since the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau first must gather comments on the proposed rule and then review them. It could take up to three years before the rule is official.

In the meantime beer bellies, chugalug without guilt.

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Thursday, August 02, 2007


A Sicilian mother cut off her son's allowance and took away his house keys after she claimed he misbehaved by not keeping her informed of where he was going.

Mom also complained that her son doesn't respect her and is never happy with the food she makes.

To "convince this blockhead" to behave properly, she hauled his butt to the police station for authorities to straighten him out.

Now, I understand that it's important to train children to respect their mothers. But do you think this mom just might be fighting a losing battle?

Her son, after all, is (yikes!) 61.

Not for nothing but: (some) "Mothers are like that, yeah they are!"

See full story.

Hillary nutcracker available at

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007


While researching the pros of medical marijuana use, I came across a new study published in the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology that claims marijuana intoxication does not adversely impact decision-making.

According to the clinical trial data at New York State's Psychiatric Institute and Columbia University, marijuana users performed tasks (even though it took them longer) as accurately after having smoked cannabis as they did when they were sober.

What ... are these researchers, high?

Just reading the report, I got all fuzzy and couldn't decide what I wanted to write about.

It's been four hours since I started this blog.

But, I wanted to make the point that ... uh ... hum

Currently, nine U.S. states that allow for the use of marijuana for medical purposes are Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Nevada, Oregon and Washington.

(Photo: Almogaver)

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