STACKING THE DECK

Be glad you don't live next to me.


A Somerset County township tabled a dog ordinance that would have found dogs (and their owners) in violation if they barked four times per minute for more than 10 minutes, or two times a minute for at least an hour.

I'm wondering if that counts for just one dog, or if my three dogs barked a total of 12 times a minute for 120 times in 10 minutes would that be three times the fine?


And does it count toward the violation if I growled (yes, growled) "baaaad" after every bark like some dog trainers tell you to do? Would I be fined, too, for trying to get my dogs to stop barking at the neighbors' two dogs that are barking back at a rate of eight times a minute for 80 times in 10 minutes?

That would be 200 barks from the dogs and 120 "baaaads" from me for a total of 320 noise violations in 10 minutes.


Take a tip from plus-size Toots: Let it go, lie very still and try not to tip over your cache of carefully stacked doggie treats.

For more on the story click here.

FLAT AS A PANCAKE

She flattened it ... and almost killed herself.


A Cape May woman crashed her car to avoid hitting a turtle that was crossing the road. State Police said Saranne Goldfinger, 65, was not critically injured when her car crashed through a guardrail and tumbled down an embankment before flipping over.

The turtle, however, didn't fare as well. (sorry, I have no pictures of turtles in my photo collection).


When I took motorcycle classes, the instructor told us (as harsh as it may seem) that there are certain critters that riders shouldn't try to avoid in order to keep from losing control of the bike. He called them "squishables."

Obviously, this woman didn't know about squishables, which include reptiles/amphibians (snakes and frogs, not alligators!), squirrels and other rodents, cats and even small dogs.

Then there are those (even if you're in a car) that do not fall into the squishable category ... such as ... cows.